“During this awkward holiday, just go with it”

Comedian and UFC commentator Joe Rogan says pull out all the stops this Valentine’s Day before it’s too late
“During this awkward holiday, just go with it”

Wendy Fox

Valentine’s Day is coming, friends, and I urge you to embrace it.

Get chocolates in a heart-shaped box. Go all in on a dozen red roses. Buy a beautiful card and write the sappiest stuff you can think of. Write things in that card that would cause you to cringe yourself unconscious if your friends ever got hold of it. My advice to you during this awkward holiday time is to just go with it.

Now, I’m sure some of you will be reading this and thinking, “Joe Rogan must have invested in a Valentine’s Day-based startup,” but I assure you that is not the case. The reason I’m giving you this advice is because I believe human beings are about 30 years away from becoming mind-reading robots, which will spell the end of romance.

Right now, conventional wisdom tells us that we don’t really know how people feel about us until they tell us, which is why most Valentine’s Day cards contain words like “I Love You,” to dispel any doubt. But conventional wisdom is wrong. Even ignoring the fact that people lie about how they feel, very often the person telling you how they feel is not completely sure about how they feel.

So, if someone tells you they love you, they might be honestly expressing themselves, or they might just be a crazy person who likes to repeat things they’ve heard people say in movies. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out who is who.

I believe in the near future all this is going to change. The mystery of human-to-human interaction will disappear when Google comes out with their hive-mind technology and everyone agrees to sign up because it’s the new Instagram. Once you’re in, you’re in. It’s like giving your iCloud password to the whole world, except they’re not just looking at your pictures; they’re looking at your very thoughts.

Some people will opt out, but don’t worry about them. Those are the same people who like to think that chopping your own firewood and getting all your water from a stream is going to make a comeback. They’ve probably just seen too many Mumford & Sons videos. For the rest of us, the technology will be irresistible.

Think about it: If you had poor eyesight and someone said, “Good news: Scientists have created an artificial eye that works better than a human eye. Not only can you see with it, but it also lets you know when people think you’re attractive.” Of course, you’re going to take those new bionic eyes, and you’re gonna be psyched, and you’re gonna feel sorry for all those poor fools with their natural eyes. From here, it’s just a short hop to us all being mind-reading cyborgs.

My point—and I don’t really have a point, but if I did—would be that you should go out and buy your sweetheart a stuffed teddy bear even though she’s 30 years old. Express love through words, gifts, and sappy poetry. Enjoy the madness of being a person. There’s not much time left.

Joe Rogan will perform at Levity Live in Oxnard, California, on Feb 17-18. For info on his podcast, check out joerogan.net